My daughter does not fail to amaze me. I am amazed by her at LEAST once a day probably more like once an hour. All I have to do is stop and listen or look at her and it brings me this instant feeling of pure wonder. When did she get so grown up, so beautiful, so smart, so funny? Seriously this girl has a future in whatever she chooses to pursue. I just hope that I can foster her passions as much as she needs in order to realize that.

She is starting to get the reality of feelings and how there are different feelings for different people for the same event. As she was hanging behind her Daddy's back tonight by her ankles, I gasped "Oh boy does that make me really nervous" her response? "Oh but mommy is makes me super happy" Ummmm ok little girl just please be careful! I guess I have to let her explore and do daring things but I still am holding on to my baby girl, who is slowly transforming into my little girl and really not much of a baby at all. However, our newest playtime activity is her being my baby. I hold her like a baby and she talks like a baby and if I put her down she crawls like a baby. Maybe on days where I miss the baby in her I will just play baby all day!


I am a helpless romantic, I truly am. I love the sappy love stories and flowers and other romantic gestures. And Valentine's Day to me is not a commercial show of love but a chance to shout to the world about the love you have. People do not want to hear about how in love you are on June 2nd or March 23rd (which by the way March 23rd was the date D and I celebrated our very first Valentine's Day. Why? Oh he was a wrestler and didn't have the time to do anything before then.) But on February 14th it is OK to talk about love and show your love publicly. I however, have married an unromantic. Things like flowers and the other V-Day trinkets are something he doesn't believe in. Not just on V-Day but everyday. D is just not the flower giving type.

But as the world around me partakes in the romance of the day, I sit here and know that I am loved. There is a Hallmark commercial this year about celebrating the "us" today and not individuals. And as I think about it I really really love D but I love the "us" much much more. I love the partnership that we have. The way he makes me feel about myself, the way he gets me to look at the world, to think and to love myself. I know that I am a romantic at heart but just being with D and having the "us" overshadows ALL of that. Yesterday while sitting in church a women stood up and shared what love was to her. In 56 years of marriage not once did she get the cards, chocolate or flowers for Valentine's Day but she said it was OK. Her husband showed his love in other ways through out the year. She got a kiss every morning and a kiss every night and this year she is even getting another new tractor. I realized then that I *do* get romantic gestures. D makes sure I have water for bed every night, he runs to the store at any time when I want ice cream (and for me ice cream is a must on most nights!) He parents Ella just as much as I do. He cooks dinner every night, does bath time so I can have me time and completely and unconditionally supports me in every decision I make (even the bad ones if it makes me happy)

So my plans for Valentine's Day? Are to make tonight like every other night. We have so much love in our relationship that every day should be February 14th!


Decisions, we make them every day. What to wear, whether we have enough time to snooze the clock just one more time, if we want to chance running the red light. Most of these decisions are made without even realizing you are making them. They require little thought or effort and very rarly do you have to explain why you chose to wear a skirt today or red heels. Once you become a parent the amount of decisions you make intensifies. Now you have to decided whether or not to have an epi or a natural birth, to breast feed or formula feed, to find out the gender or not, to let them cry it out or co-sleep, to cloth diaper or not and the list goes on and on. These decisions usually end up being scurtinized and often times you end up defending your choice over and over and over again to people who just like to inform you that in their opinion you made the wrong choice.

Family size and dynamics is something else that you decide upon. Typically it's a topic you cover with your significant other before the vows are even exchanged. If not before than right after. When will we start our family? How many kids should we have? What is the amount of space you want between each kid? and so on and so forth. Some are lucky enough to decide well we're ready so let's have a baby and BAM instant BFP (bif fat positive pregnancy test), or let's have a June baby and BAM preggo again, or let's have an 18 month age gap and BAM preggo again... Others it might take a few months and for some of us it takes FOREVER! And then before you know it the two year age gap is gone and now you are looking at having at least a 3 year gap. Some are still trying to have #1 and now are looking into *deciding* whether or not they want to become parents through other methods. Some have to decide whether they want to have medical intervention and if so how far to carry it through. Now, these decisions need to be made between husband and wife but again others like to weigh in and tell you that you are making the wrong decision. It shouldn't be something that you have to defend. The comments of well your twins were because of meds, your son looks nothing like you, how can you let someone else carry your baby. Really the list of inappropriate and completely rude comments goes on and on, which I am sure that those TTC grads out there who had to choose some of these methods will tell you.

D and I are now deciding some of these decisions and I have not yet decided whether or not I even want to put it ALL out there. But I will say that these are OUR decisions and we will be praying for guidance to make the right ones. Will it be ok to have meds? Should I even pursue that avenue? What will happen if we did have twins (HIGHLY unlikely since my SIL was blessed with a set all ready (and yes hers were natural, which is something I have learned through reading different articles is very rare when it doesn't run in the family and usually gets the most enthusiastic response. And *I* believe that the likeliness of 2 sets in one family is just near impossible.) I also have lots of other fears and they stem from postpartum anxiety and what not. But as of right now I think that the route of just testing will be enough. As I endure more rounds of blood work, ultra sounds, doctor appointments and shots (hopefully not many more of those!), I will be struggling with what to do next and just asking God to guide me and let me know where to go. I am going at this blindly with my husband firmly holding my hand and giving it all up to God and His path for us. Will Ella ever be a big sister? Will we add to our family? Will one child be what is in store for us? Only God knows....

follow up

So how do I even begin to blog again after that last post?

I have to say I got support in every direction. Some from the people I knew would be there for me and some unexpected surprises. I also know that some of you could have cared less and in fact just dismissed me and how I was feeling. That is fine cause this blog is for *me*. I can not tell you how much better I felt just "saying" it out loud. I can not tell you how much it means to me for the support that I have received and the kind words.

When you are stuck in a TTC rut, finding the good in things is really hard, but lately after posting the coming out blog, I have been able to see the good. I am able to see who my true friends are, and also that I am not alone. Some have shared stories with me and I have also been surfing the TTC blogs out there. As I got a shot in my bum the other day (TMI for most of you) I became so much more aware of the feelings of a fellow blogger who has a TTC #'s on her blog. How many times she has been poked and prodded and DTD and it all adds up to be stress baring down. I am lucky enough that I have never gone through the whole gamet and as this process continues D and I have some tough decisions to make. But through it all Ihave my blog and I have my friends and family and I also have running. The goal this year? To finish eight 5ks by November. Can I do it? Well with a little help from J and K (my running buddies) and enough stress to run from then I say BRING IT! The game is on. TTC is going to take a back seat to my goal and I get to enjoy time with my little princess. The doctors appointments will continue and D and I have alot to decide but hey life IS good and I am starting to feel light again, free again and happy again! I can actually breathe and not have to run from a bad day or plaster a fake smile. I am beginning to just be. I am learning to take time for *me*. Time to not think, not have to be in control and just have fun! In fact tonight L was gone to dinner with Nana and Grampy and D and I celebrated by drinking a bottle of champagne and watching a silly comedy picnic style with take out!

So for awhile at least this blog may be full of jumbled posts, some happy, some sad but I think my blog just found its purpose. As an outlet for me to unload all the feelings bottled up and I am not censoring myself anymore...

Coming out...

of the TTC closet that is. I have decided that keeping this bottled up while I so fakely plaster on a smile for all of the 9 billion preggos out there is probably not a good thing. So while my little angel is curled up next to me sound asleep I have decided to bare all.

Some of you this might offend, some of you wont get it and I know I have a reader, maybe 2 that will stand and cheer at the end.

D and I have now been TTC #2 for a year now. So all of the when are you having #2 comments can stop cause ummm yeah working on it. In fact why don't you go ahead and ask us when we are going for # 3, 4, or 5 since it really doesn't matter because at this rate its probably going to take forever just to get #2. This is not something I have been forth coming with because quite frankly while it is none of your business it is also something I do not want to admit because it also means that I have to admit that I am a failure, that I am not normal and that my body is somehow broken in one way or other.

Over the last year I have watched women in the hordes announce their great news. (Yes when you have both good friends and groups of friends online and IRL (in real life) the amount of preggos tends to add up quite quickly) Some of those announcments I have literally jumped for joy over, some have warmed my heart and others down right pissed me off if you all want me to be completly honest and since this is my blog I guess I can be :0) However, even the ones I have done back flips over have also twisted the knife deeper into my heart because again it is not me getting that BFP (well except for my sister cause well that baby is 1/4 me anyway so it's like my own!)

I have also found myself pulling away from groups not because I am not happy for them but because I need to protect my own sense of self. I need some time to think and breathe and process and yes while I am happy for you, you should return the favor and be a little bit sad for me. I do not want to put a damper on your thunder, I do not want this bitter feeling eating at my stomach all day. I do not want to have to look in the mirror and wonder why am I the only one going through this. The street goes both ways and I need to not just give and give and especially not in a fake way because that is NOT who I am. I am a real person. I am honest and kind and like to find the good in every situtation. Which in this one I am having a hard time finding the good. I have let a few people in on this journey and I feel like everyone who comes in to contact with me is probably thinking I am an unhappy person. I am not I am just mourning the loss of yet another baby month after month.

I do not want to hear the "Oh it will happen when it is supposed to" "God has plans that you don't know about" "It's not your time yet" and all the other "reassuring" commments that get thrown my way while they are secretly glad that they themselves do not have to deal with this, they were blessed with "Fertile Myrtle" bodies. Really it just plan old sucks and hanging in there does only make me stronger and I do know that YES there is a plan God has for me (Don't worry mom I just sent up prayer for God to guide me and take away the bitterness in my heart that I know Satan has put there). See I know all those things and yet it doesn't help when you again get greeted with good ole Aunt Flow....

I do know that I am blessed with an amazing family who will if I choose to let me lean on them. But by blogging about this, I also do not want to have to talk about it. I just want a place to be able to be open with what I "say" in order to cleanse me so that I can be truly happy for the wonderful blessings that have fallen on those I care deeply about.

There is however, one comment that was made to me when I opened up on one of my online boards. This comment I carry in my heart because it meant a lot to me. It made me laugh and it made me smile and it is making it worth the wait: "Don't worry C it takes a long time to make model genius children like you do"

Little Changes

Everyday brings changes. Back before Ella those changes would often times go unnoticed. But now I look at my little girl each morning and notice the changes that have manifested in my life.

Let's start with me:

Laundry piles up, dishes go unwashed and I don't even freak. In fact as I write this I can glance up and see some little ceiling dust bunnies that I have been meaning to sweep down but I always remember and then on my way to do something about it get caught up in some sort of activity. Lately it is carrying the "bad rocks" and we need to use "team work" to get the job done (Yes she has morphed herself into half Dora half Wonder Pet)

Sleep is no longer something I need, and going out is sometimes a chore since I would rather be in. Dance parties are MUCH better with a 2 year old, my moves don't seem as ridiculous even though my daughter definitely has better moves than me already.

Going to the gym is now good, I mean I am now 20 pounds under what I was before I even got pregnant with Ella and now I can see the changes in my body for myself. And running, I actually enjoy it!

My social life has also changed and I love the new relationships that are forming. There are just some people you connect with instantly and will let over when you are in sweats and the house is a horrendous mess and you don't even shrink when answering the door. You just welcome them right in because who cares they are not judging you, they can see you at your worst and still find ways to make you feel 1000 times better!

Now let's talk about D:

Oh my goodness hands down the biggest change there is what he calls his melted heart. I used to joke with him that he had a heart of stone, wrapped in steal, stored in platnum and locked with ice...well now he is a big old mushy teddy bear who loves his little girl with every ounce of what he is.

And Ella:

Ella changes everyday. Her new thing is this hands on the hips attitude. And I am amazed at how much she has grown and learned in 25 short months. She is so smart and so full of energy and life.