Coming out...

of the TTC closet that is. I have decided that keeping this bottled up while I so fakely plaster on a smile for all of the 9 billion preggos out there is probably not a good thing. So while my little angel is curled up next to me sound asleep I have decided to bare all.

Some of you this might offend, some of you wont get it and I know I have a reader, maybe 2 that will stand and cheer at the end.

D and I have now been TTC #2 for a year now. So all of the when are you having #2 comments can stop cause ummm yeah working on it. In fact why don't you go ahead and ask us when we are going for # 3, 4, or 5 since it really doesn't matter because at this rate its probably going to take forever just to get #2. This is not something I have been forth coming with because quite frankly while it is none of your business it is also something I do not want to admit because it also means that I have to admit that I am a failure, that I am not normal and that my body is somehow broken in one way or other.

Over the last year I have watched women in the hordes announce their great news. (Yes when you have both good friends and groups of friends online and IRL (in real life) the amount of preggos tends to add up quite quickly) Some of those announcments I have literally jumped for joy over, some have warmed my heart and others down right pissed me off if you all want me to be completly honest and since this is my blog I guess I can be :0) However, even the ones I have done back flips over have also twisted the knife deeper into my heart because again it is not me getting that BFP (well except for my sister cause well that baby is 1/4 me anyway so it's like my own!)

I have also found myself pulling away from groups not because I am not happy for them but because I need to protect my own sense of self. I need some time to think and breathe and process and yes while I am happy for you, you should return the favor and be a little bit sad for me. I do not want to put a damper on your thunder, I do not want this bitter feeling eating at my stomach all day. I do not want to have to look in the mirror and wonder why am I the only one going through this. The street goes both ways and I need to not just give and give and especially not in a fake way because that is NOT who I am. I am a real person. I am honest and kind and like to find the good in every situtation. Which in this one I am having a hard time finding the good. I have let a few people in on this journey and I feel like everyone who comes in to contact with me is probably thinking I am an unhappy person. I am not I am just mourning the loss of yet another baby month after month.

I do not want to hear the "Oh it will happen when it is supposed to" "God has plans that you don't know about" "It's not your time yet" and all the other "reassuring" commments that get thrown my way while they are secretly glad that they themselves do not have to deal with this, they were blessed with "Fertile Myrtle" bodies. Really it just plan old sucks and hanging in there does only make me stronger and I do know that YES there is a plan God has for me (Don't worry mom I just sent up prayer for God to guide me and take away the bitterness in my heart that I know Satan has put there). See I know all those things and yet it doesn't help when you again get greeted with good ole Aunt Flow....

I do know that I am blessed with an amazing family who will if I choose to let me lean on them. But by blogging about this, I also do not want to have to talk about it. I just want a place to be able to be open with what I "say" in order to cleanse me so that I can be truly happy for the wonderful blessings that have fallen on those I care deeply about.

There is however, one comment that was made to me when I opened up on one of my online boards. This comment I carry in my heart because it meant a lot to me. It made me laugh and it made me smile and it is making it worth the wait: "Don't worry C it takes a long time to make model genius children like you do"